How do you CONVERT people with a BAD spirit?  

Some people are trapped in deep offence. Others are brazenly malicious, even set on causing harm. And then there are those entangled in error, deception, or self-destruction.

How do we respond? 🤔 

Is it possible to reach the hard-hearted, the bitter, or even the dangerous with the love of Christ?

👉 Join me for a raw, truth-filled, and deeply practical teaching as we unpack what the Bible really says about:

• Confronting toxic behavior without losing your peace
• Loving your enemies without enabling their sin
• Responding to persecution and deception with spiritual authority
• Setting boundaries AND walking in mercy
• Praying for those trapped in darkness without becoming bitter yourself

📖 Discover divine strategies for the hardest relationships—straight from the Word.

✝️ Jesus didn’t avoid difficult people. He converted them.  

How to disagree like Jesus

Jesus never shied away from disagreement, yet He never allowed it to devolve into dishonor. His way of confronting error, evil, and hypocrisy was radically different from ours—rooted not in ego, fear, or social pressure, but in divine love, penetrating truth, and unwavering authority.

One of the striking ways Jesus engaged his followers, and potential adversaries was through asking probing questions.

Ask Questions

The genius of the questions Jesus asked lies not just in what He asked, but why, how, and when He asked them. Jesus, the Word made flesh (John 1:14), didn’t merely come to give people answers—He came to awaken their consciences, pierce their hearts, and disrupt their assumptions. His questions were designed not to inform, but to transform. They weren’t shallow, intellectual traps; they were spiritual mirrors that exposed truth, provoked introspection, and opened the door to repentance, healing, or revelation.

1.  Jesus Asked to Reveal the Heart, Not Impress the Mind

“Why do you call Me good?” – Luke 18:19

“What do you want Me to do for you?” – Mark 10:51

“Do you love Me?” – John 21:17

These are not academic questions. They’re deeply personal. Jesus didn’t need information—He knew all things. His questions functioned like spiritual X-rays, exposing what people truly believed, wanted, or feared. When He asked Peter, “Do you love Me?”, it wasn’t to gather data—it was to restore him. The question re-humanized Peter after his denial.

2.  Jesus Asked to Confront False Narratives

“Whose image is on this coin?” – Matt. 22:20

“Which of these was a neighbor?” – Luke 10:36

“Have you not read…?” – Matt. 19:4

Jesus often asked questions in response to traps or legalistic arguments. The religious leaders were masters of theological loopholes, but Jesus outmaneuvered them—not with harsh rebuttals, but with questions that cut to the rootof the issue. He reframed the Good Samaritan story by turning the question back: “Who was a neighbor?” rather than “Who is my neighbor?”—shifting the burden from theoretical ethics to personal responsibility.

3. Jesus Asked to Invite Faith and Participation

“Do you want to be made well?” – John 5:6

“Who do you say I am?” – Matt. 16:15

“Why are you so afraid?” – Mark 4:40

His questions pulled people out of passivity. He didn’t perform miracles uninvited; He engaged the person. “Do you want to be healed?” isn’t rhetorical—it surfaces the will, readiness, and belief of the person. When He asked His disciples, “Who do you say I am?”, He wasn’t polling them—He was leading them into revelation.

4. Jesus Asked to Shift Worldviews

“What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and lose his soul?” – Mark 8:36

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?” – Matt. 5:46

These questions are not just spiritual—they are existential. They shift paradigms, challenge worldly logic, and expose the bankruptcy of self-centered thinking. They demand a reckoning of values and priorities.

5. Jesus Modeled Rabbinic Teaching at Its Highest Level

In Jewish tradition, great rabbis taught through questions, not just statements. A true teacher is one who causes the student to think deeply, not merely memorize. Jesus’ use of questions aligns with the Hebraic tradition of dialogue and discovery. His method was Socratic before Socrates, prophetic without being manipulative, and relational without being soft.

The genius of Jesus’ questions lies in their multi-dimensional power. They were:

• Diagnostic (revealing what’s beneath the surface)
• Disarming (defusing pride and evasion)
• Dialogical (inviting relationship and participation)
• Disruptive (challenging norms and assumptions)
• Directive (pointing to the Father’s heart and the Kingdom way)

Jesus didn’t just ask questions to teach. He asked them to transform. And even today, His questions still echo—cutting through our deflections, calling us into truth, and leading us closer to Him.

Use Humour

One of Jesus’ divine human abilities was His sense of humor and the way He used it. Just like a professional comedian, Jesus often used well-known humor techniques to make people laugh and to imprint deep spiritual truths into their hearts. Think, for example, of His use of visual imagery: He calls simple fishermen and says, “Come, and I will make you fishers of men” (Matt. 4:19). Just picture that—someone casting a fishing line into the sea and reeling in a person! Or the classic cartoon-worthy image of trying to remove a speck from someone else’s eye while you have a plank sticking out of your own!

Jesus addressed the respected leaders of His day as “whitewashed tombs” (Matt. 23:27), but then breaks the tension with a laugh-out-loud word picture: “You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel!”

He also used situational humor. “No one patches an old garment with a new piece of cloth,” He says, “or pours new wine into old wineskins” (Mark 2:19–25). His listeners, many of whom worked with fabric and leather, would have chuckled and shaken their heads: “Who would be that silly? It’s obvious!”

A legendary expression of contrast and hyperbole was: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God” (Mark 10:25). It’s an exaggerated image that makes you smile while nodding in agreement—yes, it’s true.

Jesus often used humorous physical illustrations—the kind that, if someone acted them out, would make everyone laugh:

• “You don’t put a lamp under a bowl or a bed!” (Matt. 5:15)
• “You don’t build your house on the sand!” (Matt. 7:24–27)
• “Don’t throw your pearls to pigs!”

Let’s learn from Jesus today: Humour is not only an effective way to see the heaviness of life in a new light, but it’s also a positive tool to defuse potentially explosive situations. It’s a powerful technique to point out someone’s faults without causing offense. So laugh a bit at yourself—don’t take yourself too seriously. Live life with a sparkle in your eye and a positive attitude.

Focus on the Intentions

Jesus also engaged in disagreement by focusing on the heart, not merely the outward argument. He often asked soul-revealing questions like “Why are you thinking evil in your hearts?” (Matt. 9:4) and “Do you love me?” (John 21:17). His questions weren’t traps but diagnostic tools that revealed hidden motives.

Remain impartial

Unlike the Pharisees, who judged by appearances and social status, Jesus remained utterly impartial. As Mark 12:14 records, even His enemies admitted, “Teacher, we know you are true and do not care about anyone’s opinion. You are not swayed by appearances but truly teach the way of God.” He praised Samaritans (Luke 17:16), healed Roman soldiers’ servants (Matt. 8:5 13), and elevated women, children, and sinners in a culture that marginalised them. His disagreement with people never flowed from prejudice, but from divine justice.

Be direct

One of the most admirable traits in Jesus’ confrontation style was that He was direct. There was no passive aggression, no vague allusions—just truth. To Peter, His closest disciple, He said bluntly, “Get behind me, Satan!” (Matt. 16:23), and to James and John, when they wanted to call down fire, He rebuked them, “You do not know what spirit you are of”(Luke 9:55). His speech cut like a surgeon’s scalpel—precise, not mean-spirited.

Be totally honest

He also had no issue naming things for what they truly were. Herod, he called “that fox” (Luke 13:32). The Pharisees? “Whitewashed tombs” and “brood of vipers” (Matt. 23). These weren’t insults—they were diagnoses. Jesus, the embodiment of truth, could not lie. His words were not character defamation but spiritual revelation. As Dallas Willard argues in The Divine Conspiracy, Jesus’ confrontational words weren’t reactive—they were part of His reformation of hearts and minds.

Do not Judge in general, confront in person

What’s also striking is what Jesus chose not to judge. He didn’t judge the Roman government, the tax collectors, or the lepers according to social expectations. Instead, He affirmed the faith of the centurion (Matt. 8:10), healed outcasts (Matt. 8:3), and forgave an adulterous woman while disarming her accusers (John 8:11). In John 1:47, He even discerned the true heart of Nathanael and called him “a true Israelite in whom there is no deceit.” Jesus looked past social norms and into the essence of a person’s character—He saw with heaven’s eyes.

Remain principled

His principled stance on the law also reveals His integrity. In Matthew 5:17, He clarified that He didn’t come to abolish the Law but to fulfill it. He raised the bar beyond mere ritualistic obedience to the divine intention behind the law—showing its fullness in love, justice, and mercy.

Have Inner Authority

Finally, Jesus spoke with undeniable authority. People were “amazed at His teaching” because He taught “as one who had authority” (Mark 1:22). Even His enemies acknowledged, “No one ever spoke like this man” (John 7:46). His words had power because His life had purity. He drove out demons, calmed storms, forgave sins, and walked in a nobility that neither flattered nor feared. As N.T. Wright notes in Jesus and the Victory of God, this authority wasn’t just charisma—it was rooted in His identity as the embodiment of Israel’s God, come to confront evil and restore creation.

Truth & Grace

To disagree like Jesus is to walk the narrow road of truth and grace, confrontation and compassion, courage and humility. His model dismantles both the combative and the cowardly approaches to conflict. He teaches us to speak with clarity, stand with integrity, see with discernment, and love with tenacity. In a world drowning in division, Christlike disagreement isn’t just necessary—it’s revolutionary.

• Jesus didn’t just win arguments—He won hearts, even when He rebuked them.
• He didn’t avoid confrontation—He reframed it.
• He didn’t flatter—He transformed.
• He wasn’t politically correct—He was eternally correct.

How to handle disagreements:

Disagreements are inevitable, but how we handle them reveals whether we walk by the flesh or the Spirit. The Bible begins with what seems almost counterintuitive: 

Go low

“Agree with your adversary quickly…” (Matt. 5:25, KJV). This doesn’t mean compromising truth, but rather diffusing escalation where possible. Jesus teaches a posture of humility that avoids unnecessary strife—acknowledging faults swiftly to prevent bitterness and legalism from taking root.

Use the opposite spirit

Then, in what feels even more radical, He calls us to “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44). This is not passivity—it’s kingdom warfare. As Paul echoes, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Rom. 12:21). When faced with hostility, Jesus teaches us to disarm the enemy by using the opposite spirit—responding with blessing instead of retaliation.

Address the sin/offence openly

Yet, biblical love is never dishonest. In Luke 17:3–4 and Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus makes it clear: “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him.” The goal is not vengeance, but restoration. These passages establish a process of direct, relational confrontation—not gossiping from a distance, but courageously confronting someone in love. This is what true spiritual maturity looks like: loving someone enough to speak the truth, while maintaining an open heart for reconciliation.

An DNA personal problem

At the same time, Scripture warns us that not everyone is safe to engage. Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit… by their fruit you will recognize them” (Matt. 7:17–20). In such cases, we need discernment. Some people are not in error—they’re operating from corrupt hearts, and must be approached with caution, boundaries, or even avoided (Prov. 22:24–25; Titus 3:10–11).

Be generous without prejudice

The parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25–37) challenges the tribal, us-versus-them lens through which we often view conflict. When asked, “Who is my neighbor?”, Jesus points not to the religious or ethnically “correct” individual, but to the one who shows mercy. In essence, everyone in need is our neighbor—even those stigmatized, misunderstood, or seen as outsiders. This story reshapes how we view disagreement: instead of “who’s right?” it asks, “who will be merciful?” Yet mercy doesn’t cancel truth.

Forgive from the heart

Jesus repeatedly taught the necessity of forgiveness, saying in Mark 11:25 and Matt. 18:35 that we must forgive from the heart. Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending harm didn’t happen. In Luke 17:3, Jesus says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” The process includes honest confrontation, rebuke, repentance, and restoration—a full cycle of truth and grace.

Live peace with all men

Finally, in Romans 12:18, Paul calls us to the beautiful yet difficult posture of peacemaking: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Galatians 6:10 reminds us to “do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Even when disagreements remain unresolved, our posture must be one of peace, generosity, and goodwill—not bitterness or passive aggression. This kind of life takes the Spirit’s empowerment. It’s not natural—it’s supernatural. It’s Christ in us.

In conclusion, the Bible teaches that disagreement is not a license for division, nor is peace a call to silence truth. In all things, we are called to be truthful yet gracious, bold yet merciful, discerning yet peacemaking. Whether confronting an enemy, restoring a brother, or blessing a stranger, we do so under the shadow of the cross—where justice and mercy kissed, and God disagreed with sin by laying down His life to redeem the sinner.

How to deal with those who Sin and Err?

Scripture instructs us to deal with persistent, destructive sin in the Church through a balance of truth, discipline, and restorative love. Believers are to confront sin directly and relationally, not through gossip or unresolved avoidance, calling for repentance while showing patience and mercy (Matt. 18:15–17; Luke 17:3). When individuals remain unrepentant—especially in cases of sexual immorality, divisiveness, false teaching, or rebellious conduct—they are to be warned, rebuked, and, if necessary, separated from (1 Cor. 5:11–13; Titus 3:10). This withdrawal or exclusion is not punitive but redemptive, intended to awaken shame, break fleshly strongholds, and ultimately restore the sinner’s spirit (1 Cor. 5:5; 2 Thess. 3:14–15). Throughout, believers are commanded to pursue peace, avoid retaliation, uphold sound doctrine, and treat even offenders as brothers—not enemies—so that grace and truth remain in harmony.

1. Sexual Sin & Fleshly Indulgence

1 Corinthians 5:4–5; 5:11-13

• Sexual immorality (porneia – likely incest in context, v.1)
• Covetousness (greed for what belongs to others)
• Drunkenness
• Extortion (manipulating or stealing from others for personal gain)
• Idolatry (worship or dependence on anything other than God)
• Revilers (those who verbally abuse, slander, or mock others)

These sins are considered persistent and unrepentant, requiring the Church to “deliver such a one to Satan,” which symbolically means excluding them from the spiritual covering of the Church so the flesh may be broken and repentance may occur.

2. False Teaching & Theological Deviation

1 Timothy 1:20; 6:3–5

Titus 1:10–11

• Blasphemy (irreverent speech or actions against God)
• Rejecting sound doctrine / wholesome words of Jesus
• Obsessed with disputes and arguments
• Envy, strife, reviling, evil suspicions
• Useless wranglings (constant friction)
• Treating godliness as a means of gain (spiritual profiteering)
• Insubordination (rebelliousness against authority)
• Idle talk and deception
• Subverting households (dividing families with false teaching)
• Greed (dishonest gain)

These describe not just doctrinal error, but prideful, divisive personalities who corrupt others. The remedy: rebuke, avoid, or withdraw.

3. Divisiveness & Disruption of Unity

Romans 16:17; Titus 3:10–11; 2 Thessalonians 3:6, 14-15

• Causing division and offenses contrary to apostolic doctrine
• Being divisive even after repeated correction
• Walking disorderly—not according to apostolic tradition
• Disobedience to apostolic instruction
• Warped, sinning, self-condemned

These individuals are called “divisive” or “unruly” (Greek: ataktos – out of rank, insubordinate). Paul advises avoidance, withdrawal, and admonishment—but not enemy-making. The goal is shame that leads to restoration.

4. General Relational Sins

1 Thessalonians 5:14

• Unruliness
• Evil for evil retaliation
• Failure to pursue what is good

Paul calls for nuanced responses: warn the disorderly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, and be patient with all. Some need tough love; others need gentleness.

Protocol for the discipline of members and leaders. 

Why you should not leave a local church, but if you do, 
how do you go about it without hurting anyone. 

Introduction

From the view of I-am-the-righteousness-of-God-in-Christ-Jesus, we handle life's obstacles from heaven's perspective.  We turn the cheek to those who hurt us, bless those who curse us and pray for those who spitefully use us.  Paul elaborates on this list of kingdom operational procedure in his Apostolic toolbox: Being reviled we bless, being persecuted we endure, being defamed we entreat, with much patience, by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness.  By following these Kingdom-Lifestyle prompts, we become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. (2 Pet 1:5) 

When members, friends or family resign from their Church without giving any good reason nor being honest about their real motives, it is a severe shock for leaders to handle. It is undoubtedly also painful for members who choose to give up the value of fellowship and face the stigma of being deserters instead of continuing in the discomfort of disagreement.  The reality is, somewhere, something negative ensued between the members and leadership not speaking the truth in love, followed by a slow process of disengagement, turning of hearts, and eventually separation.  

These are generally some of the reasons why people decide to resign from their Church. 

1.     Doctrinal Inaccuracy.
2.     Personality conflicts and offence.
3.     It does not serve their spiritual needs.
4.     They found another church.
5.     They were hurt.
6.     They moved or graduated.
7.     They never connected.
8.     Their gift was not recognized or utilized
9.     Someone they disapproved joined the group.
10.  They were abused and hurt.

Church relational ecosystems are complicated and intricate.  The Church is a mixture of functional hierarchies surpassingly in mutual submission to each other, specific personality traits, diverse leadership styles, past hurtful experiences through which we all filter realities and information, and a list of unconscious transgressions we all do to each other without even knowing.  Deep, meaningful relationships are at times messy.  The church is also a growing organism, constantly changing shape to best serve God’s purposes for this current timeframe. 

Some people are more agreeable (people-focused), and others more conscientious (task-focused). The loving, motherly, gentle, agreeable, accepting, flexible, inclusive nature of Christ is invaluable and necessary to draw people to Christ. The opposite authoritative, patriarchal, strict, rigid, judge, justice aspect is essential to promote growth and maturity in the knowledge of God. Both these aspects are indispensable in any family relational ecosystem to ensure all grow up into maturity in Christ.   

We currently live in a society where the feminine worldview triumphs—safety, food security, home security, safest vehicles, even technology that saves us.  Stability and safety are natural pursuits of any civilization; that's why we live longer, are healthier and more affluent.  Yet, we still face destructive financial crises, corruption, costly natural disasters and deadly accidents from time to time. Looking closely at the behavior that precedes these disasters, this convenience and safety put us to sleep and made us weaker and less alert! Safety also means that some people use this safety to assess more significant risks.[1] Boys, in particular, need risks, danger, and competition to develop into healthy manhood. 

Church thus cannot only be seeker-sensitive.  The seeker-sensitive approach is effective in drawing people to Christ but fails miserably at maturing people in Christ.  Church invariably should be the safest place on Earth for people to thrive. The reality is people do not grow spiritually without difficulty, resistance, effort, persistence and suffering.  Church is not for your entertainment; it exists so to train you for life. Learning the kingdom way of doing things and remain faithful to the cause of Christ will cost you your life.  

Here are a few examples: 

• Keep your stand while being persecuted. 
• Accurately defend the faith, while being rejected. 
• Keep your righteousness and peace, holiness and sanctification in the midst of evil, darkness and deceit.  

Following Christ is not easy. It's not a popular type of feel-good-about-yourself religion. It's not an I'm OK, you're OK thing. This is not a recipe for success and prosperity. It offers no quick fixes. It's the hard road. It challenges us to be more than just people, to do more than most people do. It challenges us to be children of God.

This is what makes resignation difficult. In one sense, it is a good thing that disgruntled, unhappy people don’t secretly disrupts the unity of the family and instead leave to find their tribe elsewhere. On the other hand, when people resign and leave local churches, they fragmentize the church even more into ineffectiveness. Let’s look at resignation from both the member and the leader’s perspective. 

The Church Member's Perspective on resignation.

Those who resign usually do not follow all the biblical directives to deal with their discomfort, disconnect, pain, injustice, disagreement for two reasons: Internal inadequacy or leadership being unapproachable.  The Biblical path is certainly not easy, but the only way to correctly reform and grow through conflict. 

"If you brother sins again you rebuke him" (Luk 17:3)

"Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the Church. But if he refuses even to hear the Church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. (Mat 18:15-17) 

Concerning personal inadequacy, one needs to take responsibility for your own personal growth and well-being. Remember, escaping or diverting any developmental challenge and obstacle in one's life keeps you underdeveloped in that area.  This immaturity cycle will thus continue until one embraces the more difficult path. The phrase "Take heed to yourselves" (Luk 17:3) indicates very clearly that well-being is your responsibility. You cannot prevent offences to come! When they come, you take responsibility for your own well-being. "For each one shall bear his own load" Gal 6:5 "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil 2:12). According to Jesus, the offended person should take the initiative and rebuke his brother to get them to see their sin and repent. To this instruction, the disciples declared: "Lord, increase our faith." This instruction was too challenging for them. They never asked for more faith when Jesus send them to heal the sick and drive out demons.  The path of righteousness and kingdom-lifestyle actions is always extremely difficult for human flesh, self, ego and carnal man. Man prefers short-cuts and the path of least resistance.

Peaceful resignation is the easiest route.  Millions have followed this path, leading to numerous new churches without any reformation or redemption of the original wrong/error/sin/misrepresentation of Christ ever reconciled and healed. People disengage and use silence as an excuse. Silence is 'n temporary pause to pray and seek counsel on how to handle the situation in a Christlike way. After one prayed for your offender, one must speak sincerely and without inner offence to resolve and redeem the wrongdoing.  One should also not wait more than seven days to deal with a possible violation. It is undoubtedly best to practice conflict management when misbehaviour happens, but most people do not feel equipped and strong enough to be this bold. 

Leadership being unapproachable is a thorny issue: but from Jesus’ example it should not be. Jesus was fully God yet fully Human, Leader-King yet Servant, Revolutionary yet Passivist, Rich yet making Himself poor.  A leader cannot utilise the same leadership authority one has in spiritual matters, when it comes to daily, common relational family issues and routines.  In spiritual matters one speaks as the anointed, appointed, delegated authority of God, yet in working together in daily work and relationships we are just as anyone else. Authentic leaders know they are human, make mistakes, are vulnerable and in need of help and support. This is a great spiritual paradox, but mature authentic leaders grow in grace to know the difference and act appropriately. 

It is generally challenging to bring correction upward in the leadership of the parental family hierarchy. Leadership is usually more knowledgeable and articulate, and without knowing, intimidate followers and disciples. Spiritual leaders are considered experts and vehemently principled about biblical and moral issues. They also have positional authority (titles) of trust, preference, honour and goodwill. It is challenging for individuals to speak up truthfully to their leaders or elders. Authentic leaders do not operate as loners, they think team in everything they do.  Authentic Leaders should thus account for possible hierarchical intimidation and leader idolatry, by intentionally creating platforms for permission-to-speak-freely moments. In these vulnerability moments leaders allow lower ranking disciples to speak freely, make mistakes, and ask awkward questions.  Talking through disagreements is vital in the developmental journey towards maturity. See how Jesus created such a non-dominating atmosphere in which his disciples felt the freedom to content for positions of importance openly. (Luk 22:24) An authentic leader publicly repents when the Holy Spirit convicted them, so to be an example to the rest of the body.

Authentic leadership is vital for a church to be a healthy family-church ecosystem.  Being a leader is not easy, especially in a western worldview where everyone believes they have an option to obey. By contrast, toxic leaders are more likely to abuse their power to the people's detriment in a society where followers mindlessly obey like robots.  The balance is a benevolent dictator, servant-leader, commander for the people.  Everyone should give input and ideas, but eventually, someone needs to lead and provide instruction and rules of engagement. Too many visions and opinions slow development and industrious entrepreneurship down. 

Toxic leaders automatically resolve that followers who disagree are in rebellion, deserting, or usurping their position. Weak leaders will dominate or eliminate any opposition. Authentic leaders absorb these differences and diversity into one common purpose.  UNITY in the Church is essential to its success. The leader is responsible for vision, and secondary leadership for unifying all followers towards this vision.  Having everyone's input and then making the apostolic call like the Acts Apostolic meeting is the best practice. (Acts 15:6-21) Having a robust disagreement is healthy for strengthening and improving the final demonstration of one's proclamation.  

In a post-modern, post covid world, more and more people leave institutional churches because of weak or over-bearing leaders.  Globally there seems to be a vacuum of Godly Leaders. The world is waiting for visionary, deeply spiritual, courageous, down-to-earth, egoless, practically relevant, exemplary leaders!  

What the world does not need are toxic leaders that overstep the boundaries of healthy godly exhortation, correction, admonishment, rebuke and scourging (Heb 12:3-12) expected from them to raise their spiritual children into adulthood in Christ. The sad reality when studying 2000 years of church history reveals clearly how unhealthy eco-systems of churches, or revivals or movements eventually die out because of either leaders, or the next generation members did not remain true to the original blueprint of God’s reform. We all have an obligation to God, our Lord and Father to practise what we have come to know by revelation. 

Examples of Toxic Leadership and Spiritual Abuse

Ambition: Striving to be the most prominent, most excellent, most powerful ministry or Church. 

Censorship of decision making.

Comparison and Competition: Competing in numbers or finances with other churches. 

Defensiveness: Emotional protective 

Double standards: any code or set of principles containing different provisions for one group of people than for another

Elitism: consciousness of being or belonging to an elite. 

Infallibility: Leaders are never wrong, admit mistakes specifically, unapproachable by general members. 

Intimidation: behaviour was so violent, vehement, threatening as to cause terror or that the victim was frightened. 

Entitlement: the belief that one deserves special treatment because of status, position or suffering. 

Isolation: Constant warnings against all other groups and churches. 

Manipulative: using partial truths to get their way. 
Self-absorbed. They would unlikely see themselves in any of these symptoms.

Martyrdom syndrome: Constant sharing of what was lost and suffered a specific adherence to a cause, especially to religious faith. 

Mean-Spirited: contemptuous, deprecating, derogatory, disdainful, disparaging, obnoxious, vicious, scornful, snide, snotty, unkind, unkindly, unloving. 

One Direction giving, sharing, accountability, servanthood. 

Pride: High importance of own dignity and importance. Inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable feeling of superiority regarding one’s talents, beauty, wealth, rank, uniqueness and name. 

Rigidness: stiff or unyielding; not pliant or flexible; rigid. 

Sectarianism: excessive devotion to a particular group in opposition to the rest of the universal Church.

Shaming: the act or activity of subjecting someone to shame, disgrace, humiliation, or disrepute, especially by public exposure or criticism.

The Inner Circle is separate from the whole and treated differently. 

Triumphalism: an attitude or feeling of victory or superiority: the philosophy that one’s religious creed is superior to others. 

Any leader making themselves guilty of any of these sins must stop.  Reminded also that those who teach others would receive a stricter judgement. (James 3:1) Being silent when any of these actions do occur makes one an accomplice.  Being manipulated is as much sin as manipulating others.  Surely, in extreme cases leaders may intimidate and threaten so effectively that even strong people feel disarmed and powerless. This is pure spiritual abuse and a higher authority should intervene on their behalf. 

People should always have an option to say no, or disagree without being moralized or victimized.  This is what makes the Jesus movement different from all other religious institutions. When the young rich ruler could not obey the instruction to sell everything and follow Jesus, he was not shamed, ridiculed or coerced. Jesus loved him. (Mat 19:16-20; Mark 10:17–22; Luke 18:18–23) Christianity is the only religion that allows religious freedom and gives people the freedom of choice to reject the faith.   

The ultimate outcome of all the efforts, activities and instruction of leaders are towards Christ centred fruit-bearing, becoming more like Jesus.  (Gal. 4:19, Col 1:28-29; 2 Cor 11:2; 1 Cor 2:2; 2 Pet 1:8; Eph 4:13).  The disagreement can never be on various opinions of man -the plumbline is Christ-centred living.  

Reformation is the transformation into the image of Christ. 

Every leader ought to submit to someone. Authentic Leaders voluntary make themselves accountable to Apostolic Councils, mentors, and Local Church Leadership.  Authentic leaders know that they are not unique or above anyone.  Many mighty men of God with more anointing, influence and power have fallen prey to their own pride. None of us are exempt. Therefore we humbly take the necessary steps to be financially, ethically, and in decision-making accountable. Nowadays we are required by law to do this, to keep our fiduciary registrations and certifications. 

When a specific leader thus make themselves guilty of abovementioned behaviour, it should be the responsibility of this higher authority to deal with it, not members. Members should bring first-hand evidence, and should be heard and respected. But one would presume that in this higher council there should be enough skills, authority and wisdom to handle the matter towards healing for all.  

The perspective of resignation from the leadership's point of view.

In modern times, the local pastor is becoming a dying superhero. He has to pray for the sick, but he still loves and helps the individual keep their faith when the sickness returns. He has to discipline doctrinal error, moral and ethical failure, and manage self-interest. While on the other hand, trying to mobilize people into ministry who barely have time to read the Bible and pray daily. He needs to be a financial, marriage, parenting and relationship consultant and expert. He has to preach a TED talk calibre of brilliance every Sunday and compete with the best communicators on the planet's podcasts, YouTube videos, and TBN broadcasts. He has to deal with social justice issues and represent the Church at the local CPF, SAPS trauma Room, Pastors fraternal. He has to be a seasoned, respected mediator, psychological counsellor, and executive coach. He has to ensure the Church is relevant to every age group, interest group, ethnicity, and local human needs and wants. He has to manage all of the above while being trendy, physically and spiritually fit. But he should, above all, remain a loving husband and a relational parent to each of his children. He has to disciple at least 12 people and be available 24/7! The most difficult of all, he is expected to be true to the traditions and prescriptions of his employer. Did I forget weddings and funerals? 

The current trend is more and more people are leaving local churches, finding better spiritual food online. People do not want to engage in messy relationships of commitment. 

People generally do not want to be corrected or showed their faults. Religion is seen as a private affair; one does it by yourself alone.  Worldviews, beliefs, values, habits, personal finance is off-limits to the pastor, yet when business, marriages and parenting mishaps occur, he is required to come and say a prayer and offer a way out. The pastor’s conundrum is: Trying to keep everyone happy is an impossible task, but the numerical growth of the Church eventually measures one's success.  

Because of this background, one can understand the pain and trauma of the Pastor and his wife and children, who are involuntary flung into relational awkwardness, when a close family friend, trusted church member resigns without verbalizing the actual reason. Church membership is voluntary, and there can be no investigation or hearing before dismissal. There is no formal charge to be analyzed. The leadership does not own members, and like old clothing, it is member’s right to move on and try a more suitable garment. Because of people's busy lives, it is also increasingly difficult to get people to pray, hear God’s voice, make disciples, care for each other, and function in the gifts of the Spirit. 

There are many churches, ministries and functions, various in size, age, purpose and effectiveness.  People grow and develop and sometimes outgrow a particular church.  People change jobs and direction and have a host of different needs, which means the Church should constantly adapt without losing its original mandate. The problem, in the end, is not resignation. One indeed can resign and ask to leave a church to move on to another. The issue is how! People that resign, do not become unbelievers, or forsake Christ as their Lord.  We remain one body, church, family with one Father of us all. (Eph 4:1-4) We should thus have grace to all keep our peace, and righteousness throughout the process. Sometimes, it is really better for some people who struggle to fit in, to rather be added to another part of the body of Christ where they do fit in easily.  

 How does one resign without hurting anyone?

• Speak the truth in love. 
• Be precise in speech.
• Consistently and genuinely bless and thank one another.
• Give a small token of thanks.
• Do not speak unresolved issues or offense with anyone.
• Keep the relational door open, we still belong to the same family, the body of Christ. 

Do’s and don’ts when dealing with a fault or perceived wrongdoing?

1. We cannot deal with anything if we have not experienced the offence first-hand. 
2. We can never discuss anyone behind their back without them being present. 
3. We can only mediate between parties if both accept and trust the neutral mediator.
4. No communication leads to presumption.  Allow parties to state their official position or stance concerning an issue emphatically. 
5. Be specific, not "some people say", use two to three witnesses. Mention exact time and place, describe an incident. 
6. Do not moralize personalities that cannot change or insult one another’s character. Stay focussed on a specific behaviour, finding context, and motive. 
7. When losing the argument do not raise your voice, improve your argument. When someone is raising their voice, it is because they do not feel heard by reiterating your version of what you understand they are saying solves the urgency. 
8. Keep yourself from childish behavior and manipulation.  Tantrums, stamping feet, losing control, shouting, cursing, threatening. 
9. Do not generalise, using words like always, never, all, no one etc. 
10. Do not dramatize, exaggerate or minimize. 
11. Do not justify or become defensive. Instead, return an accusation with a question to listen, to clarify, or explain the context.
12. Do not move from the point and launch a new attack. 
13. Ask permission if a compassionate theme can be discussed. People’s shame or embarrassment is holy ground. 
14. Blocks to listening: Mind reading, judgement, interruption, advising and problem-solving, and the need to be right. Instead, ask: “Is this what you think?” or “do I understand you correctly?”
15. Don't defend an attack with an attack. Instead, say, "I disagree with your statement because..." 
16. Do not compare people in an argument, "You are just like those..."  
17. The four horses of the apocalypse: Stone-Walling, Criticism, Defensiveness and Contempt.[2]  When these behavior is already present in the relationship, it means there is an offence.  We need to free people from the trap of offence by listening, not sympathizing and then advise and support them to take action and deal with the offender. 
18. Do not interrogate. The point is to understand what the real need is about. Sometimes it is helpful to say sentences like: “Help me understand why this is so important to you. Is there a story behind that need”[3]

How to repent, and change.

From the Jewish perspective, they do not offer public verbal forgiveness until the offender did not satisfactory undergo the following steps. They see forgiveness as a therapeutic reward and outcome of godly repentance. 

• Repent – Ask forgiveness by explicitly naming the wrong, mistake, fault, error. Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom. (Ps 51:6)
• Recognise - the hurt you have caused. You need to better articulate the pain you have caused than the victim. Seeing and understanding the effects of your sin, and what transgression (injury) it has caused. 
• Restitution - restore what you have broken, stolen, etc. Physically Repay, fix. 
• Remorse – Godly Repentance (2 Cor 7:9) 
• Relent - Turn and by faith never do it again.

Whenever there is a conflict or offense, one ends the meeting with everyone present taking a turn to repent. Repentance breeds repentance.   

Best practice for meaningful conversations

A Jewish friend shared these valuable thoughts with me, a speech he brought at the Young Presidents Organisation.

• Hear Me
• Even if you disagree with me, don’t make me wrong
• Acknowledge the greatness within me
• Remember to look for my loving intentions
• Tell me the truth with compassion

We should always start any conversation, especially the ones that are potential deemed negative, with affirming our unity in Christ received as a gift, (Eph 4:1-5) and the riches of Christ the hope of Glory within.  (Col 1:27) 

No surgeon just randomly grabs a patient and starts operating on them. A date is set, so they can emotionally prepare. Then the patient is prepped and scheduled for surgery. On the other hand, Jesus used the dining table to discuss more profound and more disruptive issues.  

Asking permission before bringing a correction is also a vital ingredient to meaningful deeper discussions. The person has time to brace themselves and receive the correction.  

Inevitably all actions should be rerouted, like a GPS Voice Assistant towards having the right motive. Christ-centred motives are always rooted in faith that works through love. (Gal 5:6) 

Satan’s motives are rooted in fear and anger. 

God values our lives:

• Not on how much we have gathered, but how much we have given.
• Not on how popular we are with man, but do the demons know you.
• Not how rich we are, but how many people we have enriched.
• Not how beautiful we are how but how we have beautified the world and people we touch.
• Not on how much knowledge we have, but how much we have applied what we know, teaching others.
• Not on how much we have accomplished, but on how much was accomplished by our friends because of us.
• Not on how much we have sacrificed but have we fulfilled our obedience, poured out as a drink offering. 

Disciplinary Code of Conduct.

Discipline is the primary way God loves and changes us. Whether by His gentleness, goodness, instructions, exhortations, doctrine, rebuke correction, leading and scourging, all is done with one objective - to reclaim His image in us.  Inevitably being a disciple and follower of Jesus implies constant correction.  Until we embrace His discipline, we will continue to follow our way.  Receiving regular discipline is humbling yet necessary to realise His image fully reconstructed within us. There is simply no other way.  Being adopted and becoming His children takes an act of God, learning to live as children that represent him well takes a lifetime of discipline. 

Every time we engage with scripture and the presence of God, we are disciplined and directed into living His way. You keep a motor vehicle on the road by making minor corrections all the time, so it is to be led by the Spirit (Rom 8:12) being full of the Spirit. (Eph 5:18)

Sin and offences between believers

1. Step one: if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone (Matthew 18:15-18)
2. Step two: if he does not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established
3. Step three: if he refuses to hear them tell it to the Church
4. Step four: But if he refuses even to listen to the Church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector

Discipline to those who sin but are repenting

Receive one who is weak in the faith (Romans 14:1)

We who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbour for his good, leading to edification. For even Christ did not please Himself; but as it is written, "The reproaches of those who reproached You fell on Me." For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 15:1)

if a man is overtaken in any trespass: restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Gal 6:2-3) 

And on some have compassion, making a distinction; but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh. (Jude 1:22)

Discipline to those who do not repent

deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. (1 Cor. 5:4–5)

of whom are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I delivered to Satan that they may learn not to blaspheme.(1 Tim. 1:20)

A brother who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner: not to keep company… not even to eat with such a person… put away from yourselves the evil person (1 Corinthians 5:11-13)

note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them.(Romans 16:17)

Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned. (Titus 3:10-11)

But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us. (2 Thessalonians 3:6)

And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother. (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15)

If anyone teaches otherwise and does not consent to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which accords with godliness, he is proud, knowing nothing, but is obsessed with disputes and arguments over words, from which come envy, strife, reviling, evil suspicions, useless wranglings of men of corrupt minds and destitute of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of gain. From such withdraw yourself. (1 Timothy 6:3-5)

For there are many insubordinate, both idle talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, whose mouths must be stopped, who subvert whole households, teaching things which they ought not, for the sake of dishonest gain. One of them, a prophet of their own, said, "Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons." This testimony is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith,(Titus 1:10-11)

One cannot but wonder if the global Church kept these precise practical instructions regarding doctrine, whether the Church would have been in such a mess as it is today.  We need both LOVE and TRUTH to be disciplined into Christlikeness. 

Disciplinary principles for Pastors and overseers.

This will be the third time I am coming to you. "By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word shall be established." I have told you before, and foretell as if I were present the second time, and now being absent I write to those who have sinned before, and to all the rest, that if I come again I will not spare (2 Corinthians 13:1-2) It is important to note that discipline takes time and consistency, Paul visited three times, and shifted gears in mood, this time not sparing anyone.  This sounds harsh, but this action was only necessary because of the hardness of hard and their refusal to repent and change. 

For even if I made you sorry with my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it. For I perceive that the same epistle made you sorry, though only for a while. Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. (2 Corinthians 7:8) One is soberly aware that man can force another man to do nothing. You can make a man to stand on the outside, but if he is still sitting on the inside, you have accomplished nothing.  We are never impressed with outward impressiveness, making everyone to dance accomplish nothing if people do not understand why they should dance.  Repentance is a gift from God.  

Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:1-2) Discipline is not a one-size-fits-all procedure. People are different, and various means of discipline needs to be applied that are most effective for that particular person.  

Do not receive an accusation against an elder except from two or three witnesses. Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear. (1 Timothy 5:19) One does not deal with a leader by receiving one testimony. He who states his case first seems right until his rival comes and cross-examines him. (Prov 18:17) I think this generally applies to all members in the Church. When the goal is to get the offender to repent, accurate, precise, specific, revealing of the wrong is most effective.  Like a surgeon cutting out cancer, saving the patient. 

Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith, (Titus 1:13) This severe discipline is reserved for major sins that are hurting the body of Christ. Extortionist, liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons, They profess to know God, but in works they deny Him, being abominable, disobedient, and disqualified for every good work. Dealing with sinners in the Church is therapeutic, and the rest of the body will sigh relief for leaders taking charge to protect the family!   

Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear. (1 Timothy 5:20) This should not happen regularly, only in extreme cases of open rebellion and sinful conduct. What we should remember though in this verse is its context. In a few sentences later Paul instructs: "without prejudice, doing nothing with partiality" We cannot openly rebuke sin in the greater family for instance, without condemning the same sin publicly in our own biological family.  Many Leaders have made themselves guilty of nepotism and favouritism of their own family at the cost of the greater family.  This path weakens the leadership instead of strengthening their position. Leaders ought to always be example in following the more difficult righteous biblical path. 

Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. (2 Timothy 4:2) Finally God's favourite means of discipline is our Preaching and Teaching. Sound, expository teaching is the best way to get people to see and follow God's way.  

Discipline by God

Then Ananias, hearing these words, fell down and breathed his last. So great fear came upon all those who heard these things. And the young men arose and wrapped him up, carried him out, and buried him. (Acts 5:1-10) At the end we ought not be judged by men's judgement. We all stand before God. But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by a human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I know of nothing against myself, yet I am not justified by this; but He who judges me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one's praise will come from God. (1 Corinthians 4:3-5) For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one's work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is. If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire. (1 Cor 3:11-15) 

We all stand before God who know all things and examines the heart.  

Healed from abuse

I distinctly remember 18/8/2018 standing in the "allermans barracks" Cape Good Hope Fort with hundreds of church leaders to honour the first nation "Hottentot-Khoisan" Kings and ask their forgiveness of the atrocities done to them in the name of civilization and progress. Chief Justice Mogoeng-Mogoeng was the guest speaker. His primary scripture reading was: "Your affliction is incurable, your wound is severe... for I have wounded you with the wound of an enemy, with the chastisement of a cruel one, for the multitude of your iniquities" (Jer 30:12-14) Mogoeng Mogoeng the head of South Africa's judiciary – a part-time pastor – challenged those present, who were primarily members of the First Nations (Khoi and San) royal houses, to seek the return of their land through peace and forgiveness. "Nobody wants to be dehumanized and nobody wants to be exploited. So, I understand where the anger comes from. But it is time to forgive," he challenged everyone. If they do so, God would find a way for land to be returned to those who deserved it and for all in the country, black and white, to prosper together, he said. [4] If one does not choose to forgive those who have harmed you, your wounds cannot heal!! 

Wounds do not heal when one also commits iniquity. Never-ending talking about rejection and then heartlessly rejecting and cutting off people when they are disloyal is an iniquity. Iniquity is a heart distortion. 

No one of us, leader or member can retain the spirit of OFFENCE. We cannot overcome our offence if we do not confront the offenders, according to the path set in Luk 17, or if we choose to not confront then we totally have to forgive and forget, and not speak about it again!! These are the only available two distinct options. Else one retains your offence and offence eventually ruins and poisons the victim to death.  This is why it is so important to deal with offence appropriately and quickly. If one waits too long: How can we deal with the abuse, without abusing the abused again? 

I contend that in most cases, we disengage too quickly from our first failed attempts to confront and speak the truth in love.  By coming back and re-engage, love will make a way! Somewhere in the continuing discussions, empathy will surface in both parties, and understanding will follow. Both the leader and member will grow through the whole exercise, and we all will yield better fruit!! This study intends to provide godly, wise boundaries on our interactions with another in the body of Christ. Transgressions, in effect is the illegal crossing of a set boundary.  

In Jewism it is taught that theft is stealing personally from God. Because man is made in the image of God, one directly steals from God, when one robs a man.  This perspective brings clarity in our dealings with another, towards growing in grace, honour, respect and reciprocal collaboration! The Church should be at the forefront as an example to the world in how we operate in unity and synergy. (John 17:21) 

Love and honor God's Judgments

We live in an age where the following statement has never been more accurate and relevant; "everyone did what was right in his own eyes" Judges 21:25. We have more information available than ever, yet people appear to be entirely ignorant of their lifestyle decisions, and its consequences. Man's alienation from God and Truth has set us onto a course of deep darkness. 

The sad truth is that many Christians and believers are also just as ignorant of their behaviour, habits, and incompetence in certain areas. Against this backdrop of Earthly reality, I see in the scriptures an incredible hidden truth. David loved God's Judgments!

For all His judgments were before me, And I did not put away His statutes from me. (Psalms 18:22)

The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.(Psalms 19:9-10)

Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O Lord, You preserve man and beast. (Psalms 36:6)

David sings a song on God's Judgments, about how he loves it! (Psalms 119:7, 13, 20, 30, 39, 52, 62, 66, 75, 102, 106, 108, 137, 156, 160, 164, 175)

Loving Judgements is a difficult concept to comprehend at first; most children writing exams indeed cannot agree that they love it! We, as adults are not far behind; we're just happy that we do not have to write them anymore. An interesting read on the subject is the study done by Justin Kruger and David Dunning.

People tend to hold overly favourable views of their abilities in many social and intellectual domains. The authors suggest that this overestimation occurs, in part, because people who are unskilled in these domains suffer a dual burden: Not only do these people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it. Across four studies, the authors found that participants scoring in the bottom quartile on tests of humour, grammar, and logic grossly overestimated their test performance and ability. Although their test scores put them in the 12th percentile, they estimated themselves to be in the 62nd. Several analyses linked this miscalibration to deficits in metacognitive skill or the capacity to distinguish accuracy from error. Paradoxically, improving participants' skills, and thus increasing their metacognitive competence, helped them recognize the limitations of their abilities.[5]

I also remember a most interesting TED talk we reviewed in Bible School class on Being Wrong by Kathryn Schulz.[6] She explained how like the Wolf in the road runner animation, we run over the edge believing we can walk on air, to then suddenly realize we're dead wrong. We all have moments like this, and it is what makes us human. The problem is when decision-makers are bad and want others to believe their error. Not knowing I am wrong, is possible one of our most significant handicaps. 

Seek criticism from friends and peers

Elon Musk explains in an interview about Starting up a new business how important it is to seek criticism. He calls it "rigorous self-analysis."[7] Obviously, you should ignore the ignorance of people that do not understand your cause and is just sowing doubt and unbelief. Learn to attract criticism from your friends, invite them to speak into your life. Make yourself vulnerable. Prayerfully extract the gold from every criticism, reproof, rebuke, admonishment, an exhortation that comes your way. Say thank you, the person correcting you is taking a significant risk and a show of courage to point out a possible error. 

Peer review analyses: Because it's hard for most professionals to recognize and improve on their weaknesses on their own, aviation has developed structured mechanisms of check questions to a relative peer. Like flight attendants checking each other on door closing procedures, Pilots are going through checklists with Co-pilot, and flight crew awareness of problems reported to the captain. This system was only introduced after the fatal crash of Trans World Airlines (TWA) Flight 514, a Boeing 727 inbound from Columbus, Ohio, scheduled to land at Washington National Airport. The crew had flown a normally functioning Boeing 727 aircraft into a hill at an altitude of 1669 feet, just short of the hill's peak of 1764 feet. The 85 passengers and seven crew members died in a horrific fiery crash 29 miles northwest of Dulles International Airport. Human error and Pilot's misunderstanding of each other was the cause of this accident.[8]

How many people have suffered terrible harm because of the absence of correction and peer review in the offender's life?

Be accountable 

Elite athletes, musicians, and other top performers understand that excellence occurs through extensive study and practice, constant feedback, and by adopting techniques and tools that have led to others' success. For elite performers, this extends well beyond the formal training period. 

Take regular tests to evaluate your performance, and development. Maybe this is why Weigh-less is so successful in helping people lose weight, the weekly weigh-ins.  The AA has sponsors.  Covenant eyes provide an accountability software program for Internet Porn Addicts, where you share your online traffic with a partner.  

Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified (2 Corinthians 13:5). Doing inward self-analysis is fruitless and futile. Paul says that he does not even judge himself. (1 Corinthians 4:3) Judgment has to be external. Our own hearts are too deceptive. (Jeremiah 17:9).

And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: "My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, And scourges every son whom He receives." If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. (Hebrews 12:5-7)

Get Feedback and involve Church Members 

In this current time of human development, there are many technological instruments to get feedback from people. Quizzes, forms, profiles, questionnaires, polls, Q & A sessions etc. etc. We no longer have an excuse to not allow people to participate and collaborate with us.  People generally take more ownership of an idea and project that they co-created or invested time and effort in.  Leaders cannot do everything and are subsequently obliged to "equip the saints for the work of ministry" What is the work of ministry of the saints? "the edifying of the body of Christ". The teaching that everyone in the church has a ministry, has led to people now believing we need no specialization of ministry functions. This is a grave danger, for full-time secular employed people simply do not have the time to specialize in: Theology, Doctrine, Counselling, Missions, Worship and Prayer. A leaderless church is a weak church. The task of every member is the edification of the body. Saints, clergy, church members should help take care of each other "by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love." (Eph 4:16) 

Throughout History the pendulum of truth has swung from Toxic Leaders to Toxic Congregations, and both eventually dissolve and self-destruct. According to the Pew Research Center, the ranks of the ‘nones’ have ballooned in recent years, making "no religious affiliation" the fastest-growing category among religious affiliations. Between 1972 and 1989, about 7% of Americans identified as having no formal religious affiliation, However, between 1990 and 2012, that figure jumped to 15%. Among people under age thirty. Just over 30% say they have no religious affiliation. At the same time, the percentage of the U.S. population that are Christian has experienced a steady decline, and other faiths have had modest growth at best.[9]

A recent study that Barna Group conducted reviewed the society's perception in matters regarding faith and Christianity. Examining a new book called Good Faith, the findings indicated that Christianity is increasingly viewed as extremist. [10] The 2017 Pew research is more specific and reveals that most adults surveyed still do consider themselves Christians, even if they seldom go to Church.  These non-attendees beliefs on matters of sex, gender, nationalism are widely more liberal than how it is portrayed and officiated by the formal Church.[11] It is thus abundantly clear that the Church is no longer unified on issues of doctrine, worldview, or best practice living standards.  When the church loses its saltiness it has lost its purpose. (Mat 5:13) 

The state of the Church today, thus stands in stark contrast to the early ekklesia, and body of Christ movement!  The early Church was attractive although persecuted: because of their practical caring for each other, their care of the marginalized, disenfranchised, orphan, children and women. They held high standards of work ethics, positive attitudes, timeliness, honesty, and hard work.[12] They experienced substantial exponential growth, to the extent that in 150 years, most of Asia Minor and North Africa was transformed by Christianity and their former persecutors became the protectors of the faith when the Roman State accepted Christianity as their formal religion by 337AD.[13]

However, involving Church members without a clear Doctrinal, Biblically Sound, Christ-centred, Evangelical, Charismatic-Pentecostal, Contemplative-Holiness, Spiritual-Wellbeing, Socially Relevant focus is cataclysmically wrong! To represent the full gospel and express the genius of God on the Earth, we need to embrace and learn from the Reformers-Leaders that God raises up from time to time.   

What should our conduct be regarding leadership?

This is the big question, isn’t it?  How should we react to leadership, without opening ourselves up to further hurt?  We cannot protect ourselves against hurt; he who tries to save his life will lose it (Mat 16:25). We can only trust and believe in God, doing it His way, that He will bring healing to all of us. When leadership does fail, we should not focus on man, but look to God who will work together everything for good, for those who are called according to His purposes (Rom 8:29). He is Lord of Lord of His Church. 

The word of God gives us clear guidelines on what our conduct should be regarding leadership.  Firstly, we need to understand why this is so important in the times we live in.  God cannot judge the earth before He has judged His church first.  Before God can judge the lawlessness in the earth, He has to judge it in the church. (2 Pet 4:17)  

What then should our conduct be regarding leadership?

1. Remember them. Remember those who rule over you, who have spoken the word of God to you, whose faith follow, considering the outcome of their conduct (Hebrews 13:7). The church does not exist for the believer but the believer for the church.  Remember the famous speech of J. F. Kennedy “Ask not what your country can do for you but ask what you can do for your country!”  Too often we become so need orientated in the church, the pastor should always take care of my need, pray for me, help me, teach me, and we almost never think of them.  Are they coping?  Are their needs met?  How regularly do you pray for your leadership?  Do not forget that they are just people like you.  They will be judged and asked to give account of that which was entrusted to them.  

2. Obey and submit to leaders. Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you (Hebrews 13:17). Being a leader myself I know that I only want the best for my people, that they should grow and mature in the Lord.  I cannot understand why people question leadership, murmur and grumble so easily, when leaders have our best interest at heart.  It is almost like children’s hostility toward their parents at times as well.  I remember going on my first big hike with a few friends.  When we started off, I set a very fast pace.  My friend who was an experienced hiker and mountaineer, suggested a much slower, almost tortoise like kind of pace.  At first, I grumbled saying if we start like this, we will never make it.  Until I realised, he knew more than me and was an authority on the matter, therefor it would be better to submit.  Although it felt awkward at first, I did reach the summit with reasonable ease.  The reason we question leadership is because of our own negative experiences of the past.  (Egypt) We have lost our faith and trust in the leaders.  This is understandable, but without faith we cannot please God.  Therefor it is important to ask God to open our spiritual eyes regarding the leaders God has appointed over us.  Do not judge them according to your or their past, believe what you have been shown in the Spirit by God concerning them.  

3. Pray for them. for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence.3 For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour.   (1 Timothy 2:2-3) Praying for leadership is the best thing you can do for yourself.  Not accusing them before the Lord but asking God to reveal to you who they are in the spirit, then to pray that into existence.  Pray about your role, and how you can help and assist them. 

4. Submitting will save you and protect you. Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgement on themselves.3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same.4 For he is God’s minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God’s minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil.5 Therefore, you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience’ sake. (Romans 13:1-5) Leaders are there for our protection. 

Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake, whether to the king as supreme,14 or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good.15 For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men—16 as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God.17 Honour all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honour the king. (1 Peter 2:13-17)

Who is like a wise man? 1 And who knows the interpretation of a thing? A man’s wisdom makes his face shine, And the sternest of his face is changed.2 I say, “Keep the king’s commandment for the sake of your oath to God.3 “Do not be hasty to go from his presence. Do not take your stand for an evil thing, for he does whatever pleases him.” 4 Where the word of a king is, there is power; And who may say to him, “What are you doing?”5 He who keeps his command will experience nothing harmful; And a wise man’s heart discerns both time and judgement. (Ecclesiastes 8:1-5)

To fully understand this, you have to close your eyes to your own experiences, training and thoughts about leadership, and align yourself according to the Word of God first.  The flesh wants to take a different route.  The world says, if the leader does not cut it, they should be removed.  We are very quick to give our opinions on how the country should be led, how the coach should coach our national team and how our boss should have done this or that.  The problem is that it is not our authority, we have not been assigned to that position, so mind your own business, and pray for the leaders.  This is not as easy as it seems.  You can only change the thing that is in your power to change.  You can only fix the car when you have the necessary power, knowledge and resources. When you do not have the power to change or influence someone, do not whine, gossip, complain and murmur about it.  You do the right thing, rather than worry about the right thing some other person should have done.  That is out of your league. that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you. (1 Thessalonians 4:11)

There is tremendous safety in submitting, for you are obeying God.  He will personally protect you because of your act of faith and humility.  I have so often seen people leave a church out of rebellion or strive, to end up being out of the ministry, divorced, and spiritually emotionally and physically bankrupt.  Where those who chose to submit were not only saved but also exalted in their time.  Beware of speaking evil of a God’s anointed, you’ll end up fighting with God Himself.  Don’t you think God can take care of His own business?  He has hired and is capable of firing also.  

What should our conduct be when leaders are in error?

In the light of recent public scandals of prominent spiritual leaders, we must take time and prayerfully discover the ancient paths of righteousness, both leaders and members! 

Rebellion against God's appointed authority is rebellion against God. What then do we do when we see leadership err and fail the Christ-like standards of holiness and righteousness?  Sometimes we feel like taking matters in our own hands, not understanding the leadership structure, resulting in a spiritual Court Marshall. There is perfect order in heaven. It is our task to let that order become reality here on earth as it is in heaven. 

The Bible gives precise instruction and protocol on how not to deal with spiritual Leadership’s perceived failure. 

Do not stretch out your hand against God's anointed. Then the men of David said to him, “This is the day of which the Lord said to you, ‘Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it seems good to you.’ ” And David arose and secretly cut off a corner of Saul’s robe.5 Now it happened afterward that David’s heart troubled him because he had cut Saul’s robe.6 And he said to his men, “The Lord forbid that I should do this thing to my master, the Lord’s anointed, to stretch out my hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the Lord.”9 And David said to Abishai, “Do not destroy him; for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord’s anointed, and be guiltless?”10 David said furthermore, “As the Lord lives, the Lord shall strike him, or his day shall come to die, or he shall go out to battle and perish. (1 Samuel 24:4-6; 26:9-10)

Who will judge another's servant? Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4)

Who will bring charge against God's elect? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. (Romans 8:33)

Dissension of Aaron & Miriam The judgement against Miriam, for standing up in rebellion against God’s appointed one, was severe. (Numbers 12) Korah's rebellion against Moses and Aaron Numbers 16 resulted in their death. These influential men thought they had a case, and they probably had a one, but they saw in the natural not the spirit.  When looking in the spirit, the purpose God had with Moses was much greater than Moses himself.  God was seeing the future of His people, Christ, the church etc.  Here is another lesson we can learn. So often successful men in the world think they can bring the knowledge they have gained into the church to come help the church. God does not need man’s help, only our obedience.  Note the balance, ambition is not wrong, there is always a part that man has to fulfil, but only after God gave the command.  Selfish ambition - I want to do great things for God. Destiny - God is doing great things through you.  The point is, who is taking the initiative, God or man?

The people's rebellion against Moses resulted in 14700 people killed. They had a reason to rebel too!  250 leaders and their families were just killed!  What they missed though was that there were much greater things at stake.  God was preparing a nation that was to produce the Saviour of the world.  The vision Moses had received was not given to all, disobeying him would result in never seeing the vision realised themselves.  Moses was seeing the Promised Land in the Spirit. He was seeing them conquering the land.  

The error of Moses (Numbers 20) is the key of understanding the operations of God.  He saw the Promised Land, but from afar, because of His disobedience.  Remember Moses was but a sent one, someone who was willing to obey, none of the miracles that he performed was because of himself, or initiated by himself, nor accomplished by himself.  He would go to God, who gave a command, Moses obeyed it, and God would move.  When he consulted God, God again gave a command, which, because of his anger, he did not do.  He took the people’s rebellion personally, and Moses missed it.  This was such an important time; the new generation was about to enter the land after the short-sightedness disloyalty of their ancestors.  It was imperative that they understand true obedience to God.  They needed to see and comprehend within themselves the sequence of God’s operation with them.  They had to understand the code of this army in order to win the battle.  God had to deal harshly with Moses, but Moses understood that, and peacefully gave the reign over to Joshua.  This obedience and code were what made them see great miracles and wonders. This story also shows that God prevented the greatest leader of all time, second to Jesus, to not enter the promised land. Remember that leaders will receive a stricter judgement. 

We have to understand and allow God to open our spiritual eyes, that we may not think too highly of ourselves, and see the parameters (Metron) of our authority.  That is why so many churches and people have become powerless, for they are not operating under the authority and grace of God.  For instance, I cannot correct your children in your house, for their wrong behaviour, if you have not given me the authority to do so.  

You cannot stand up against God’s anointed and rebel because you are seeing a mistake in their lives.  That is what happened to Korah and God destroyed him and his family.  In Jude we read in verse 8.  “Those rejecting authority and speak evil of dignitaries.” These are the men and woman Jude warn the church against!  He explains in the next verse that not even Gabriel the archangel, dare to bring a reviling accusation against the devil.

Then in verse 12 He says “Woe to them” people like that, they are like Cain who murdered his brother, because He was not happy with God accepting Abel’s offering and not his.  

Toxic leaders, unfortunately, also use these very scriptures to defend their positions, status and privileges.  People feel afraid to address perceived wrongdoing, and eventually do nothing, unconsciously condoning the error.  Truth is paradoxical. The abovementioned scriptures are 100% truth. Another opposite 100% truth is the fact that we are all first children of God. No positions, titles and special privileges. We will all face judgement and will be rewarded according to our works and fruit. We all received the same power, grace and means to fulfil righteousness! 

When we deal with another in righteousness, treat each other as royalty, and remain thankful for His divine enablement we cannot falter. Do we misunderstand, miscommunicate, misappropriate and get it wrong at times? Certainly, all of us! 

I hope the steps and protocol outlined in the small book will help us to remain family, stay engaged, work through our differences and grow up mature representation of the sons of God in the earth.  

Some traits of Maturity as per recent Facebook post where different people contributed, their understanding of spiritual maturity. 

• The ability to self-correct
• Humble confidence
• Servant leadership
• Can postpone pleasure/wanting  
• Strength under control
• Responsible self-management 
• Childlike wonder & gratitude
• Rigid in foundational truths, yet flexible in approach 
• Sober-minded
• Integrity and a Kingdom standard of righteousness
• Yielded to the voice of the good shepherd.
• Not controlling but authoritative.
• Considers others higher than self.
• Has a healthy view of self.
• Great commission and command as a lifestyle rather than event.
• Body orientated
• Resurrected Surrendered life 
• Willing to yield 
• Repent and die daily 
• Keep your peace and joy in difficult circumstances

Eventually this is the final outcome, the ultimate end-result of all we do and become. To be reformed into the image of Christ Jesus our Lord.  

May every person God has given us to be part of this part of the family of Christ grow in maturity and Christlike fruit. May our testimony among people who knows us be that we are loving, gentle, spontaneous people. People who have spiritual depth and are steadfast in their faith. People who consistently bear the fruit of the Spirit. Instruments of mighty miracles signs and wonders and the all the gifts of the Spirit. Trustworthy, faithful and sincere people you can rely on. Pillars in the community that use their influence for the benefit of those who are oppressed and underprivileged. People whose character, words and actions are one straight line. People who not only bless you with their words but who actively help and support you until you are back on your feet. People whose business operations bear witness to godliness: being on time, virtue, cleanliness, creativity, quality work and accuracy. People full of grace, faith and freedom! 

The ultimate fruit that God is looking for when He examines the Church is – Christ is being formed in people! Amen!! 

[1]  Ip, G., 2015. Foolproof. 1st ed. Copyright © 2015 by Greg Ip. Reprinted with permission of Little, Brown and Company.

[2] https://www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/

[3] http://sesaworubancounselling.homestead.com/The_conflict_blue_print_part_1.pdf

[4] https://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/mogoeng-calls-for-peace-forgiveness-to-resolve-land-issue-20180808

[5] Unskilled and Unaware of It: How Difficulties in Recognizing One's Own Incompetence Lead to Inflated Self-Assessments" Justin Kruger and David Dunning Cornell University

[6] https://youtu.be/QleRgTBMX88

[7] Elon Musk https://youtu.be/NU7W7qe2R0A "Constantly seek criticism" 11minutes into video

[8] https://admiralcloudberg.medium.com/a-different-approach-the-crash-of-twa-flight-514-4047166234ee

[9] Nicolaou, C. (2019). A None’s story : searching for meaning inside Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, & Islam (eBook, 2016) [WorldCat.org]. [online] Worldcat.org. Available at: https://www.worldcat.org/title/nones-story-searching-for-meaning-inside-christianity-judaism-buddhism-islam/oclc/964290564 [Accessed 17 Aug. 2019].

[10] Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project. (2019). Being Christian in Western Europe. [online] Available at: [Accessed 17 Aug. 2019].

[11] Pew Research Center’s Religion & Public Life Project. (2019). Being Christian in Western Europe. [online] Available at: https://www.pewforum.org/2018/05/29/being-christian-in-western-europe/ [Accessed 17 Aug. 2019].

[12] Schor, A.M., 2009, ‘Conversion by the numbers: Benefits and pitfalls of quantitative modelling in the study of early Christian growth’, Journal of Religious History 33(4), Pg 478. 

[13] Dreyer, W.A., 2016, ‘Historiese perspektief op kerkwees’, in ‘Praktiese ekklesiologie – Kerkwees in die 21ste eeu’, HTS Teologiese Studies/Theological Studies, suppl. 10, 72(5), a4378. http://dx.doi.org/10.4102/hts.v72i5.4378 

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